Remember I posted an entry last Wednesday?
Actually, after posted the entry I did blog walking to the other TTCians and ex-TTCians blogs. I was surprise that our friend Nina is already few months conceived. I am so happy for her. Very happy. Cuma I lambat tahu berbanding kawan2 lain. Anyway, congrats Nina... Please take care of urself and the baby. I am really happy for you....Doakan I yer :)
But the worst part was I couldn't control my emotions. I was comparing myself to her. She is very lucky because her TTC journey was not too long. I started to ask why, why and why I can not conceive.... What and what and what is my problem is.... I menangis semahu-mahunya. And it was very bad. Rasa hiba sangat. Sedih sangat. I was questioning Allah, what is wrong with me. Aku dah la tak mengandung2, period pun tak datang... I couldn't control myself. I couldn't stop crying. Lebih 2 bulan dah, period masih belum datang.
Later, I laid down on my bed. I pasrah. I biarkan diri menangis semahu-mahu meresapi segala kesedihan dan berhenti menyoal segala ketentuan Tuhan. Sebelum lelapkan mata, I mohon supaya Allah tak abaikan I. Supaya Allah dengar rintihan I. Supaya Allah bantu I.
The next morning, I went to Kasetsart University in Bangkok. Ada lecture yang kena dihadiri kat sana. During lunch time, I pergi toilet nak buang air. Terkejut I tengok underware dah bocor. I period!! U know what was happened next? I was crying inside the toilet with a very big smile....Syukur sgt pada Allah. Masa tu I dapat rasa kasih sayang Allah s.w.t. I was crying badly last night, and the next day Allah datangkan period. I memang tak expect langsung. Even pad pun I tak bawa pergi Bangkok. Dah la kena stay 3 hari kat sana. Nasib baik ada tisu. Then I manage to get one from of the participants after lunch time.
Kalau orang lain yang tak ada masalah macam ni mesti dah pelik AF datang pun nak buat entry kan. But to me, datang period tu pun satu anugerah. Sangat stress bila period cycle tunggak terbalik sedangkan sebelum kahwin tak pernah ada masalah.
Since period kali ni kat Thailand, I masih tak berkesempatan nak buat HSG. Kalau kat Malaysia, I dah boleh call pusat Radiologi HUKM untuk buat appointment. I think not much can be discussed during next appointment with Dr. Kadir. Maybe he will ask DH to do sperm analysis once again and ask me to undergo the HSG scan when I have the next AF. Buat sementara ni tiada la aktiviti berusaha secara natural kerana suami jauh di sana. Redha je la. Allah s.w.t ada sebab untuk semua ni.
In shaa Allah, kita jumpa lagi next entry.